Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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