kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
