Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
