So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize