Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
