Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
