tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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