I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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