just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
