I accidentally had phone sex last night
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
