hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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