My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
