You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.