i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
