Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
