that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
