The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
