Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
