Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
