I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
