why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
