Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
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He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
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Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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