hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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