I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
