I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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