Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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