I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
