At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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