I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
