Are we in a gay sports bar?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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