ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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