we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
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mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
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I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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