I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
