I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
