I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
