Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
