shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
