I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
