I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
