Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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