New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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