My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
