No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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