Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
