dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I am available for nakedness
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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