Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
