Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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