a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
