help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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