My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
