You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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