well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
