I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
