We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
