Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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