Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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