At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Holy sore nipples Batman
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
