Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
