why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
